Sometimes the devil would come at me with an almost overwhelming temptation to doubt that I was not going to be able to go through with my commitment. It was at times like these that I would have to fall on my knees and say, “Lord, uphold me, help me to be strong, give me courage even though I can’t see how You’re going to work out all my problems.”  And as I’d stay there on my knees, slowly His peace would come in and calm my fears. This was while I was still living at home with Phil, my lover of thirteen years. I had to claim the promise in Philippians 1:6 many times.

I knew Phil was seeing someone on the side, and I couldn’t blame him, as we were no longer having sexual relations, but it still hurt.  Of course he denied it, at least at first, and to make things worse, the guy he was seeing was another former SDA. Here I was trying to witness to him about what God was doing for me, and this was taking place.

Finally, he said that there was no use for us to continue to live in the same house as we were going in such different directions.  I had to agree, but I hated the thought of living apart. When the house sold, he bought another and continued to work at the job he always had and continued to make good money. I moved into a rental.

When I moved in with him I was considered the “house-band” and stayed at home to do the cooking, cleaning and gardening, etc., etc., etc. Therefore, I had no job to turn to. I had been a pastor, and the church was not ready to hire me. So what was I to do? Talk about having to trust!!

The Lord has blessed and I’m still surviving. I’m still good friends with Phil, as I want to see him saved.  Otherwise it would be easier not to have to know about all his dates, parties, etc., and all that it involves.

When I moved into my rental place and slept alone, it was the first time I had ever lived by myself. I got married before I finished college. That lasted 25 years. Then I had a room mate for a while until I met Phil. I cried myself to sleep many a night. I found out that crying has a way of helping to keep my emotions on a more balanced footing. So I’ved learned not to worry about the macho image that men are supposed to uphold, and to let the tears fall. I usually feel better after a good cry, except for the runny nose!

But on a cheerier note, life does get better. In May, I’ll have lived here a whole year.  I’ve learned a lot about myself. I sometimes think that it’s not so bad living alone. (I can’t believe I said that) But I’ve gotten so involved with my church and others, that my pain doesn’t seem quite so bad.

Plus, I know that I want to be ready for Jesus to return.  I believe it’s very soon. What we have to go through is nothing compared to what Jesus has already gone through for us! This life of heartache and sorrows will soon be over.  Jesus has promised to wipe away all our tears.

I continue to pray for Phil everyday, but know that I can’t force him to change. Only the Holy Spirit can do that, and if he refuses, I have to leave him in God’s hands.  Because I know that God loves him and will save him if at all possible. It makes it a lot easier to live when you turn your loved one over to the Lord. (Notice I just said easier, not easy!)

Hang in there, you have friends who are praying for you.

In Christian love,

Benjamin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By Benjamin Anderson, March 1998

Read the beginning of the story

We had no sex education classes in school and the church and the family never talked about it. So I just assumed that if I got married and had enough sex with my wife, these feelings would go away.

As you know, “that ain’t the case”.

After 25 years of what I call a fairly good marriage with three kids in college, I still couldn’t figure out why I was still drawn to men. When I started going through the mid-life crisis, I became very discouraged and started experimenting rather than just thinking about it.

As the Bible says, first comes lust, then the act. One thing led to another, and I finally just gave up trying. In a nutshell, I was found out, fired, lost my house, wife, and everything else that I had been used to, or cared about, almost overnight.

My wife, (whom I had told about my same sex attraction before we got married) decided to get remarried in about a year after our divorce. Then while singing with the Seattle Gay Men’s chorus who were on tour in Washington, D.C., and NYC, I met a man who was to become my lover, partner, significant other, or what ever you want to call it for the next thirteen years.

I lived with him from 1984-1996. I had everything the world had to offer. Cars, houses, money, clothes, European holidays, you name it. All this came along with popularity, parties, and the social life of fun and excitement. And I came out with a vengeance! There wasn’t a gay bar, back room, cruising area, (inside or out, U.S or Europe) that I didn’t want to experience. Everything that the gay world had to offer, I was game to try, and that included some things I won’t even mention.

I’m not telling you this to pique you curiosity, but to let you know that I’ve “been there and done that.” I had everything the world had to offer, but one thing, and that was peace. I had never taken a drink before attending my first gay bar. But drinking soon became enjoyable. I never considered myself an alcoholic, but I could drink till my friends fell asleep and still drive home. I shudder to think of it now. It was one way to avoid listening to the still small voice of the Holy Spirit that kept whispering to me.

As I would see things happening on the TV that reminded me that Jesus was coming back soon, my thoughts would turn to God and I would silently cry out for help, even though I didn’t know what to ask for, as I didn’t see any answers for my life. There were so many things I would have to give up, so many things I had become entangled in, that I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. But as family and friends continued to pray for me, the voice of God’s Spirit became stronger and stronger, and I knew I had to do something to regain the peace I had lost. However, totally surrendering my life to Jesus was hard to do!

Politics of the gay lobby

The gay lobby in this country is alive and well. It teaches that homosexual sex is not a sin. They aggressively pursue their agenda to advance gay issues. Members of this group can find research — sometimes conducted by active gays — that yields the results they like. Consider this example. The Kinsey study into human sexuality in the 1950′s, as well as other studies, show gays comprise about 10% of the population. This is important to the gay lobby for political reasons because it makes homosexuals a significant minority group. You may have noticed gay activists still sometimes claim homosexuals comprise around 10% of all Americans.

Politics of the Christian Right

Another lobby, the Christian Right, is also alive and well. They believe homosexual sex is a sin. They actively pursue their agenda to advance their causes, one of which involves gay issues. This group also can find research that yields results they like. Back to our example. The Christian Right can find studies that show gays only comprise 1-2% of the population. Politically, this is very important to them. They love to emphasize how tiny and insignificant a group gays really are. This example of the proportion of gays in America illustrates how the topic of homosexuality is influenced by groups with a political agenda. I share this as a caution. Consider the source of information you encounter. I invite you to adopt my attitude on the real proportion of gays in our population: I don’t care. It makes no difference whatsoever if gays comprise 1% or 10% of all Americans. I only want to know the truth. I suspect the real figure is around 3% to 5%, but because of problems with the way this data has been gathered, I may be wrong. At this point, I don’t believe we can say for certain.

I am a second son. My father was rarely home from the time I was born until I was a young adult. He typically worked six to seven days a week, often staying out all night on the job when I was a little boy. Later, he became an alcoholic and was sometimes gone for days at a time, binge-drinking. My father had an ill temper. He was usually emotionally hurtful, and occasionally physically violent. He was almost always angry about something my mother or one of his children did. Sometimes, when very intoxicated, he would beat my mother. He attacked my brother and me as well. If I were to use one word to describe my feelings when my father was around, it would be fear. When Dad came home my heart started pounding.

I was one of six children. My father preferred to do things with the family, not me individually. However, I remember he once took my brother and me fishing. Once he threw a baseball with us. Other than that, our relationship revolved around work. My father was a control freak who constantly yelled out orders for us to follow. He was big, strong, and ready to punish. Consequently, we rarely disobeyed. I was an obedient son due to fear of punishment. As far back as I can remember my father never hugged me, not even once. When I was little, he did like to chase me down and pinch my legs hard until I cried. That was our only touching. He never told me he loved me. He did not make time for me. As a boy I was frightened of my father and consequently of other men and even many boys. As an adolescent I hated my father. I can remember always saying I did not want to be like my dad.

I had a loving relationship with my mother. She did the best she could raising six children essentially by herself. I also had a very close relationship with my brothers and sisters. We all banded together emotionally for support in coping with the stress caused by living with my father.

As you can see, my life experience lends itself nicely to an environmental cause of a homosexual orientation. Yet, I believe innate factors played a role as well. One evidence of this is that I had two brothers who were raised in a similar environment. Both of them are heterosexual. There were significant differences as one brother was four years older and the other 14 years younger than me. Nevertheless, our environmental experience was similar, especially our relationships with our father. Apparently, for some unknown reason, some boys are inherently susceptible to being gay. As the right etiological constellation of innate and experiential variables come together, a gay orientation develops.

Who Am I Really?

Is my identity summed up in my sexuality — whether gay or straight? (It may be, if that is the focus of my life.)

Or is there a better basis for my fundamental identity?

Jesus came to give us a new identity and a new focus. Paul says that “if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.” (2 Corinthians 5:17) John writes, “Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God — children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God. ” (John 1:12, 13 NIV) So the new birth makes us children of God!

So which identity shall I claim — the identity the world places on me or the identity God gives to me?

The identity the world assigns to me is divisive. It divides Christians into “gay” or “straight,” with each striving for “rights.”

The identity God gives to you and me unites us — we are all children of God, though we each have our unique struggles.

It is interesting to see how Paul dealt with the matter of identity. At one time he called himself the “chief” of sinners, in emphasizing his need of grace. (1 Timothy 1:15) Yet he consistently referred to all believers as “saints” — even those belonging to the unruly congregation at Corinth. (e.g. Romans 15:25, 1 Corinthians 6:1, 2) And he also calls himself an “Apostle of Jesus Christ.” (2 Cor 1:1)

So it seems that we are both saints and sinners. We will ever be sinners in need of the saving grace of Christ, at the same time that we are saints and children of God. Our realization of being sinners should make us cling to Jesus for strength, and that very clinging identifies us as saints.

Paul chose to celebrate his relationship with Jesus Christ (See Romans 15:17, 1 Corinthians 1:31) rather than his identity as a bona fide Pharisee (and  persecutor of Christians).

Which identity will I celebrate?

Which identity will you celebrate?

Jesus came to bring Good News to all of humanity — without regard to color, race, or sexual orientation. Unfortunately those who claim His name have often considered themselves superior to other sinners when, in fact, we are all sinners in need of saving.

You need not identify as ‘gay’ or ‘lesbian’ to feel at home here. If you are a Seventh-day

Home With Jesus

Adventist or have Adventist background and know what it is like to be more strongly attracted to your own sex than the opposite sex, you will find support and encouragement here.

Jesus said, “If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to myself, that where I am, there you may be also.” (John 14: 3) It is our privilege not only to look for, but to hasten the coming of the Lord. (2 Peter 3: 12)

We long to see fulfilled the prophetic vision of Ellen White who wrote that “The last rays of merciful light, the last message of mercy to be given to the world, is a revelation of His character of love. The children of God are to manifest His glory. In their own life and character they are to reveal what the grace of God has done for them.” (Christ’s Object Lessons, pp. 415-416) Thus it is our desire to communicate God’s character of Love and manifest His glory through this blog.

The phone call interrupted my dinner. The voice on the other end was desperate. “I’m at my wit’s end, and you are the only one I can turn to. If you can’t give me one good reason to live, I’ve made up my mind to end it all.”

The words were slow, deliberate, and almost imperceptible; the voice unforgettable and bone-chilling. Such calls come hundreds of times each year. A minister’s chance of getting such a call is greater than that of almost any other professional, including physicians and psychologists. Each year between 25,000 and 30.000 people kill themselves. It is estimated that 10 times that many attempt suicide.

Suicide is a major problem today. Pastors need to have a proper understanding of the issues involved. They need a clear insight into the mind of the suicidal individual in order to be better prepared to face that desperate cry for help.

The mind of the suicidal person

In the late 1950s psychologists Edwin Shneidman and Norman Farberow coined the phrase “the cry for help” to describe the generally ambivalent feelings of the suicidal person. The suicide threatener is not simply a manipulative person capriciously trying to get attention, but rather is someone who is in so much pain that they have concluded there is no other solution to their problem except a permanent end to pain–death.¹ The interesting point is this: Such persons are ambivalent about life and are looking for a reason to live. In their desperation they are willing to gamble with life. If they find some hope that the future will be better, they will opt for life. If they sense no future hope, they will opt for death.

The suicidal person: a profile

Shneidman and Farberow suggested that suicidal people generally fall into one of three categories: the threatener, the attempter, and the committer.

The threateners tend to be young women between the ages of 15 and 25. They make their threats known to parents. teachers, pastors, and significant others either vocally or by leaving notes where they can be found. Their level of ambivalence is the greatest, leaning in the direction of wanting to live rather than wanting to die. They want to get the attention of significant others and the concomitant commitment to help them end their painful existence in a life-supporting way.

The suicide attempter is often a single woman, who is usually somewhere between 19 and 30. Three out or four people who attempt suicide are female. Again, the level of ambivalence is high, leaning in the direction of wanting to live. This is shown by the fact that the suicidal gestures of attempters usually involve a method with a relatively safe margin that allows for rescue before death actually takes place. Taking medication (sometimes prescribed, but often over-the-counter) is the preferred method. The slow action of medication helps to reveal the attitude “If I am rescued, it was meant to be; if I’m not rescued, then my time has come.” Attempters frequently commit their act in the presence of others, or in locations where they expect others to he so they can be rescued. It is not unusual for them to take the medication and then telephone a friend, a pastor, or a suicide hot line, explaining what they have done and asking for help. Their notes are often left in conspicuous places and frequently explain the reason behind their attempt and the seriousness of their intent. It is not uncommon for a person to make several attempts, leading significant others to feel that they are being manipulated and therefore to become calloused and indifferent. Unfortunately, their attempts can become unintentionally fatal.

Three out of four suicide committers are male. Typically, the male is older and shows his lethality by selecting a method with little room for rescue or change of heart. Guns, especially handguns, are the most common means of suicidal death, with hanging and jumping close seconds. Unlike the act of taking a medication, with its fairly long margin of safety, the methods typically chosen by the suicide committer are precipitously fast-acting. Once the trigger is pulled, there is no opportunity to reverse the action.

Typically, suicide committers may be single, separated, divorced, or widowed. Marriage seems to act as a buffer against suicidal death, perhaps because it represents a readily available support system. Separated or widowed males are considered to be highly lethal to themselves, while single or divorced females pose a similar high risk.

Alcohol also plays an important, if somewhat vague, role in the lethality of the committer. About one third of those who commit suicide have a detectable amount of alcohol in their blood at the time of their autopsy. Alcohol’s exact role in suicidal behavior is not clear. Does it reduce the person’s inhibitions toward self-destruction, does it enhance their hopeless feelings, or does it merely cloud their mind and make it hard for them to perceive any other alternatives that may be available to them?