john’s gay experience

I did not choose to be gay

Now I would like to share a few snapshots of my experience. My hope is is that after reading my story you will understand me better. My experience and feelings seem to be typical of gays.

I always felt different as a boy. While most boys were aggressive, I was sensitive and shy. When the teenage years hit and my male friends started noticing girls, I did not. I never analyzed my reactions at the time. Feeling attracted to boys was something that naturally developed in me. I never chose to be gay.

The fact is I repressed any thoughts of being gay. My church taught me homosexuality was the great sin of Sodom and Gomorrah, an abomination to the Lord, a sin especially hated by God. My family and culture taught me homosexuality was abnormal, disgusting, perverted. What person in his right mind would choose something universally considered so negative?

Deep down, I knew something was wrong with me, but I could never admit it. I was in denial, which helped me to cope with my adolescence.

During my high school years things worsened. My friends were dating and getting girlfriends. I paired off with girls, but whenever things became too involved I backed away. The idea of having sex with a girl was repelling. I tried to force myself, but I simply couldn’t do it. I kept thinking one day I would wake up and be attracted to girls. That day never came.

I tried so hard to force myself to be straight. I had my first girlfriend at 23. We kissed and experimented, but I just could not conjure up the desire to have sex. I finally broke up with her, since it was becoming painfully obvious that something was just not right and it was not fair to her.

I had my first gay encounter at 24. It was exciting and felt natural for me. I knew immediately, and with absolute certainty, that I was gay. But I had never felt so guilty as after this experience. I cried bitterly.

I felt compelled to behave in a way I inwardly believed to be a perversion. In the following months I prayed to God to help me and sought counseling. I really tried to change myself, but in the end,  I was left with an undeniable, uncontrollable attraction to men. I finally decided that, right or wrong, I was going to pursue it.

Believe me when I say I sowed my wild oats. I also had two partners, one for seven years and one for six. My last partner was loving, dependable and supportive. Many people think of gays only in terms of imagined repulsive sexual acts they commit. In reality, for most gay people, our sexuality is only a small part of our lives. Gays, for the most part, only want what straight people want. We just hope for someone to come home to, someone to share our lives with. We would simply like to have someone who cares about us intimately, someone we can talk to and love. We desire to have a life partner.

That is what I had with my last gay partner. I considered him my lifetime companion and I truly loved him.


john’s gay experience — 8 Comments

  1. I just want to say how much I appreciated reading the story by John Edwards: “Homosexuality, Politics and my gay experience.” I could relate to so much of it on many levels. I thought it was wonderfully written and I aspire to be able to contribute something as effective as that in the near future. ‘John’ thank you for sharing. May God continue to bless you and guide you until He returns to take us home.

    • That man is a total fool, he will die lonely and sad only to find no God no nothing.
      I feel sorry for this sorry man. My only hope is that he sees sense and more so that no one else does what he as done all because he grew up in a time of non tolerance and the stupid practice of believing in a book of drivel.
      John go get your ass done good n hard and forget about stupid f**ckers trying to ruin other peoples perfectly normal lives.

  2. Thanks, John, for sharing your story. It is meaningful and well told. I agree with your observations. Genetics leave the gate unlatched and the environment pushes it open. Some may have the genetic potential but circumstances of life never move them in that direction. Others may have all the conditions that would make them gay, but never have any inclination at all. One popular area of studies in psychology is called “imprinting”. This is what is involved. I recall experiences when I was pre pubertal and around puberty that I believe were strongly influential, but I imagine someone with no predisposition wouldn’t have been fazed by them.

  3. I read your story last weekend and have thought about it (and you) often this past week. First I want to say that I’m the Catholic mother of a 44 yr old gay daughter, who has been with her partner for about 7 years. They are 2 of the loveliest, thoughtful, hard working, giving and caring women I know. I love them both dearly, but in my heart I worry about their souls. Your story has taught me some things I didn’t know or understand and ended with such a picture of HOPE. I am so grateful for your gift of personal testimony that you expressed so touchingly. I am committed to continued prayer that God will open the door for the girls to seek His ways (no easy task in our world today that makes so many values and morals subjective), as well as making some personal changes in my own life….and it’s all thanks to you, John. I just wanted you to know how deeply you touched me, and say that this website has been very helpful. I pray for you as you continue your journey with Christ our Savior…..and isn’t that what each of us sinners should strive to do daily, walk with Christ in faith, hope and love?

  4. I am proud of you brother , you had chosen to be obedient to god than to continue following after your desire. With God all things are possible. I believe this is a timely testimony for those who are still struggling with their own sexuality and for those who are shrouded by persons unlike you.
    God reads the hearts and his thirst is for saving souls. That’s why conviction and sincere repentance is closely related. Only GOD can help us overcome whatever besets us. once we heed him our temptations narrows and will soon becomes a thing of the pass.
    Let us continue to hold fast to our maker and to pray for each other and others.

  5. From my experience, our sexual orientation comes from home/ family generally. Most of our stories based on father; absence, violence, less emotions ec… I lost my father since I was 5 years old. I’m total gay, although I’m well educated with 3 high degrees I’m adult enough but I’m still missing the feeling of having dad. Now I have got a son ( alternative son) playing with him that role n giving him all I’ve missed

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