john’s gay experience

A Dream

In 1994 I had a stunning, powerful dream. God suddenly converted me. I knew my sexual activity and my partner had to go.

I cried for four days straight after accepting Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Repentance, confession and turning to God was an excruciatingly painful experience. Just recalling this even now, over four years later (1998), it still hurts. God was asking me to give up my partner of six years even though we were still in love. God forced me into a day of reckoning and of choice. I chose God. This was emotionally devastating for me because I was repenting and giving up my beloved companion at the same time. My whole life had revolved around him for six years. Through this experience I claim to know the meaning of this text:

Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me.” Matthew 16:24 NKJV

I was baptized in 1995. I thank the Lord for loving even me, a gay man. For the last four years I have successfully lived a celibate life. I realize I have remained celibate solely because of the grace and power of God. Unfortunately, my core problem remains: I am still attracted to men. But there has been an encouraging decrease in that attraction. I am not as interested in men. I do not look at them as I used to. I have made real progress in overcoming lust. Celibacy is getting easier.

I am only 47, so it is difficult to think about spending the rest of my life on earth alone through no fault of my own. I am a relationship type of person, and being single is the most difficult cross for me to bear. I do know that God loves me and only He is powerful enough to help me deal with what I am still going through. Further, only He can change me, so I have no choice but to turn this problem over to Him. On my own, I am powerless over it. The good news is that all things are possible with God.


I would like to share an insight. In some ways, my life for the first two years after coming to the Lord was like an alcoholic’s, trying to recover from a powerful addiction. I lived from day to day. I was in a battle with myself. Satan attacked me relentlessly. I believe the longer one practices any sin, the more difficult it is to turn away from it. I also believe it is likely for some, if not most, gay men that our sexual orientation may only be changed by some degree.

At this point in my journey I have changed significantly; however not to the point where I feel I could take on a wife. My experience is that after four years it is much easier to resist temptation. I feel almost satisfied with my celibate life. Praise God! This wonderful healing comes from Him!

I would like to issue a warning to anyone considering experimenting with gay sex: Don’t do it! Homosexual sex, like nothing else, creates a powerful, ensnaring web. It is almost impossible to walk away from it. I believe it would be impossible without the help of God. Like no other sin, homosexual behavior traps you. For me, it took a supernatural dream from the Lord to shake me up and make me realize that what I was doing was wrong. On some level, the devil had deceived me. Praise God that He rescues us even when we don’t know we need rescuing!

This story was first published on the GLOW website in 1998. This is a slightly edited 2010 version. For the rest of the original story see Homosexual Politics.


john’s gay experience — 8 Comments

  1. I just want to say how much I appreciated reading the story by John Edwards: “Homosexuality, Politics and my gay experience.” I could relate to so much of it on many levels. I thought it was wonderfully written and I aspire to be able to contribute something as effective as that in the near future. ‘John’ thank you for sharing. May God continue to bless you and guide you until He returns to take us home.

    • That man is a total fool, he will die lonely and sad only to find no God no nothing.
      I feel sorry for this sorry man. My only hope is that he sees sense and more so that no one else does what he as done all because he grew up in a time of non tolerance and the stupid practice of believing in a book of drivel.
      John go get your ass done good n hard and forget about stupid f**ckers trying to ruin other peoples perfectly normal lives.

  2. Thanks, John, for sharing your story. It is meaningful and well told. I agree with your observations. Genetics leave the gate unlatched and the environment pushes it open. Some may have the genetic potential but circumstances of life never move them in that direction. Others may have all the conditions that would make them gay, but never have any inclination at all. One popular area of studies in psychology is called “imprinting”. This is what is involved. I recall experiences when I was pre pubertal and around puberty that I believe were strongly influential, but I imagine someone with no predisposition wouldn’t have been fazed by them.

  3. I read your story last weekend and have thought about it (and you) often this past week. First I want to say that I’m the Catholic mother of a 44 yr old gay daughter, who has been with her partner for about 7 years. They are 2 of the loveliest, thoughtful, hard working, giving and caring women I know. I love them both dearly, but in my heart I worry about their souls. Your story has taught me some things I didn’t know or understand and ended with such a picture of HOPE. I am so grateful for your gift of personal testimony that you expressed so touchingly. I am committed to continued prayer that God will open the door for the girls to seek His ways (no easy task in our world today that makes so many values and morals subjective), as well as making some personal changes in my own life….and it’s all thanks to you, John. I just wanted you to know how deeply you touched me, and say that this website has been very helpful. I pray for you as you continue your journey with Christ our Savior…..and isn’t that what each of us sinners should strive to do daily, walk with Christ in faith, hope and love?

  4. I am proud of you brother , you had chosen to be obedient to god than to continue following after your desire. With God all things are possible. I believe this is a timely testimony for those who are still struggling with their own sexuality and for those who are shrouded by persons unlike you.
    God reads the hearts and his thirst is for saving souls. That’s why conviction and sincere repentance is closely related. Only GOD can help us overcome whatever besets us. once we heed him our temptations narrows and will soon becomes a thing of the pass.
    Let us continue to hold fast to our maker and to pray for each other and others.

  5. From my experience, our sexual orientation comes from home/ family generally. Most of our stories based on father; absence, violence, less emotions ec… I lost my father since I was 5 years old. I’m total gay, although I’m well educated with 3 high degrees I’m adult enough but I’m still missing the feeling of having dad. Now I have got a son ( alternative son) playing with him that role n giving him all I’ve missed

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