my gay experience and god
I knew I was different for as long as I can remember. My earliest memories were same sex feelings. I won’t bore you with all the common childhood and teen experiences at this time, but suffice it to say, back in the fifties, the only option I felt open for me, was to get married.
We had no sex education classes in school and the church and the family never talked about it. So I just assumed that if I got married and had enough sex with my wife, these feelings would go away.
As you know, “that ain’t the case”.
After 25 years of what I call a fairly good marriage with three kids in college, I still couldn’t figure out why I was still drawn to men. When I started going through the mid-life crisis, I became very discouraged and started experimenting rather than just thinking about it.
As the Bible says, first comes lust, then the act. One thing led to another, and I finally just gave up trying. In a nutshell, I was found out, fired, lost my house, wife, and everything else that I had been used to, or cared about, almost overnight.
My wife, (whom I had told about my same-sex attraction before we got married) decided to get remarried in about a year after our divorce. Then while singing with the Seattle Gay Men’s chorus who were on tour in Washington, D.C., and NYC, I met a man who was to become my lover, partner, significant other, or whatever you want to call it for the next thirteen years.
I lived with him from 1984-1996. I had everything the world had to offer. Cars, houses, money, clothes, European holidays, you name it. All this came along with popularity, parties, and the social life of fun and excitement. And I came out with a vengeance! There wasn’t a gay bar, back room, cruising area, (inside or out, U.S or Europe) that I didn’t want to experience. Everything that the gay world had to offer, I was game to try, and that included some things I won’t even mention.
I’m not telling you this to pique you curiosity, but to let you know that I’ve “been there and done that.” I had everything the world had to offer, but one thing, and that was peace. I had never taken a drink before attending my first gay bar. But drinking soon became enjoyable. I never considered myself an alcoholic, but I could drink till my friends fell asleep and still drive home. I shudder to think of it now. It was one way to avoid listening to the still small voice of the Holy Spirit that kept whispering to me.
As I would see things happening on the TV that reminded me that Jesus was coming back soon, my thoughts would turn to God and I would silently cry out for help, even though I didn’t know what to ask for, as I didn’t see any answers for my life. There were so many things I would have to give up, so many things I had become entangled in, that I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. But as family and friends continued to pray for me, the voice of God’s Spirit became stronger and stronger, and I knew I had to do something to regain the peace I had lost. However, totally surrendering my life to Jesus was hard to do!
