john’s gay experience

I am a Seventh-day Adventist with same-sex attractions (SSA). Most would label me gay, even though I am now celibate.

I am a second son. My father was rarely home from the time I was born until I was a young adult. He typically worked six to seven days a week, often staying out all night on the job when I was a little boy. Later, he became an alcoholic and was sometimes gone for days at a time, binge-drinking. My father had an ill temper. He was usually emotionally hurtful, and occasionally physically violent. He was almost always angry about something my mother or one of his children did. Sometimes, when very intoxicated, he would beat my mother. He attacked my brother and me as well. If I were to use one word to describe my feelings when my father was around, it would be fear. When Dad came home my heart started pounding.

I was one of six children. My father preferred to do things with the family, not me individually. However, I remember he once took my brother and me fishing. Once he threw a baseball with us. Other than that, our relationship revolved around work. My father was a control freak who constantly yelled out orders for us to follow. He was big, strong, and ready to punish. Consequently, we rarely disobeyed. I was an obedient son due to fear of punishment. As far back as I can remember my father never hugged me, not even once. When I was little, he did like to chase me down and pinch my legs hard until I cried. That was our only touching. He never told me he loved me. He did not make time for me. As a boy I was frightened of my father and consequently of other men and even many boys. As an adolescent I hated my father. I can remember always saying I did not want to be like my dad.

I had a loving relationship with my mother. She did the best she could raising six children essentially by herself. I also had a very close relationship with my brothers and sisters. We all banded together emotionally for support in coping with the stress caused by living with my father.

As you can see, my life experience lends itself nicely to an environmental cause of a homosexual orientation. Yet, I believe innate factors played a role as well. One evidence of this is that I had two brothers who were raised in a similar environment. Both of them are heterosexual. There were significant differences as one brother was four years older and the other 14 years younger than me. Nevertheless, our environmental experience was similar, especially our relationships with our father. Apparently, for some unknown reason, some boys are inherently susceptible to being gay. As the right etiological constellation of innate and experiential variables come together, a gay orientation develops.


john’s gay experience — 8 Comments

  1. I just want to say how much I appreciated reading the story by John Edwards: “Homosexuality, Politics and my gay experience.” I could relate to so much of it on many levels. I thought it was wonderfully written and I aspire to be able to contribute something as effective as that in the near future. ‘John’ thank you for sharing. May God continue to bless you and guide you until He returns to take us home.

    • That man is a total fool, he will die lonely and sad only to find no God no nothing.
      I feel sorry for this sorry man. My only hope is that he sees sense and more so that no one else does what he as done all because he grew up in a time of non tolerance and the stupid practice of believing in a book of drivel.
      John go get your ass done good n hard and forget about stupid f**ckers trying to ruin other peoples perfectly normal lives.

  2. Thanks, John, for sharing your story. It is meaningful and well told. I agree with your observations. Genetics leave the gate unlatched and the environment pushes it open. Some may have the genetic potential but circumstances of life never move them in that direction. Others may have all the conditions that would make them gay, but never have any inclination at all. One popular area of studies in psychology is called “imprinting”. This is what is involved. I recall experiences when I was pre pubertal and around puberty that I believe were strongly influential, but I imagine someone with no predisposition wouldn’t have been fazed by them.

  3. I read your story last weekend and have thought about it (and you) often this past week. First I want to say that I’m the Catholic mother of a 44 yr old gay daughter, who has been with her partner for about 7 years. They are 2 of the loveliest, thoughtful, hard working, giving and caring women I know. I love them both dearly, but in my heart I worry about their souls. Your story has taught me some things I didn’t know or understand and ended with such a picture of HOPE. I am so grateful for your gift of personal testimony that you expressed so touchingly. I am committed to continued prayer that God will open the door for the girls to seek His ways (no easy task in our world today that makes so many values and morals subjective), as well as making some personal changes in my own life….and it’s all thanks to you, John. I just wanted you to know how deeply you touched me, and say that this website has been very helpful. I pray for you as you continue your journey with Christ our Savior…..and isn’t that what each of us sinners should strive to do daily, walk with Christ in faith, hope and love?

  4. I am proud of you brother , you had chosen to be obedient to god than to continue following after your desire. With God all things are possible. I believe this is a timely testimony for those who are still struggling with their own sexuality and for those who are shrouded by persons unlike you.
    God reads the hearts and his thirst is for saving souls. That’s why conviction and sincere repentance is closely related. Only GOD can help us overcome whatever besets us. once we heed him our temptations narrows and will soon becomes a thing of the pass.
    Let us continue to hold fast to our maker and to pray for each other and others.

  5. From my experience, our sexual orientation comes from home/ family generally. Most of our stories based on father; absence, violence, less emotions ec… I lost my father since I was 5 years old. I’m total gay, although I’m well educated with 3 high degrees I’m adult enough but I’m still missing the feeling of having dad. Now I have got a son ( alternative son) playing with him that role n giving him all I’ve missed

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