john’s gay experience
I did not choose to be gay
Now I would like to share a few snapshots of my experience. My hope is is that after reading my story you will understand me better. My experience and feelings seem to be typical of gays.
I always felt different as a boy. While most boys were aggressive, I was sensitive and shy. When the teenage years hit and my male friends started noticing girls, I did not. I never analyzed my reactions at the time. Feeling attracted to boys was something that naturally developed in me. I never chose to be gay.
The fact is I repressed any thoughts of being gay. My church taught me homosexuality was the great sin of Sodom and Gomorrah, an abomination to the Lord, a sin especially hated by God. My family and culture taught me homosexuality was abnormal, disgusting, perverted. What person in his right mind would choose something universally considered so negative?
Deep down, I knew something was wrong with me, but I could never admit it. I was in denial, which helped me to cope with my adolescence.
During my high school years things worsened. My friends were dating and getting girlfriends. I paired off with girls, but whenever things became too involved I backed away. The idea of having sex with a girl was repelling. I tried to force myself, but I simply couldn’t do it. I kept thinking one day I would wake up and be attracted to girls. That day never came.
I tried so hard to force myself to be straight. I had my first girlfriend at 23. We kissed and experimented, but I just could not conjure up the desire to have sex. I finally broke up with her, since it was becoming painfully obvious that something was just not right and it was not fair to her.
I had my first gay encounter at 24. It was exciting and felt natural for me. I knew immediately, and with absolute certainty, that I was gay. But I had never felt so guilty as after this experience. I cried bitterly.
I felt compelled to behave in a way I inwardly believed to be a perversion. In the following months I prayed to God to help me and sought counseling. I really tried to change myself, but in the end, I was left with an undeniable, uncontrollable attraction to men. I finally decided that, right or wrong, I was going to pursue it.
Believe me when I say I sowed my wild oats. I also had two partners, one for seven years and one for six. My last partner was loving, dependable and supportive. Many people think of gays only in terms of imagined repulsive sexual acts they commit. In reality, for most gay people, our sexuality is only a small part of our lives. Gays, for the most part, only want what straight people want. We just hope for someone to come home to, someone to share our lives with. We would simply like to have someone who cares about us intimately, someone we can talk to and love. We desire to have a life partner.
That is what I had with my last gay partner. I considered him my lifetime companion and I truly loved him.
