In 1994 I had a stunning, powerful dream. God suddenly converted me. I knew my sexual activity and my partner had to go.
I cried for four days straight after accepting Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Repentance, confession and turning to God was an excruciatingly painful experience. Just recalling this even now, over four years later (1998), it still hurts. God was asking me to give up my partner of six years even though we were still in love. God forced me into a day of reckoning and of choice. I chose God. This was emotionally devastating for me because I was repenting and giving up my beloved companion at the same time. My whole life had revolved around him for six years. Through this experience I claim to know the meaning of this text:
Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me.” Matthew 16:24 NKJV
I was baptized in 1995. I thank the Lord for loving even me, a gay man. For the last four years I have successfully lived a celibate life. I realize I have remained celibate solely because of the grace and power of God. Unfortunately, my core problem remains: I am still attracted to men. But there has been an encouraging decrease in that attraction. I am not as interested in men. I do not look at them as I used to. I have made real progress in overcoming lust. Celibacy is getting easier.
I am only 47, so it is difficult to think about spending the rest of my life on earth alone through no fault of my own. I am a relationship type of person, and being single is the most difficult cross for me to bear. I do know that God loves me and only He is powerful enough to help me deal with what I am still going through. Further, only He can change me, so I have no choice but to turn this problem over to Him. On my own, I am powerless over it. The good news is that all things are possible with God.