In 1994 I had a stunning, powerful dream. God suddenly converted me. I knew my sexual activity and my partner had to go.
I cried for four days straight after accepting Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Repentance, confession and turning to God was an excruciatingly painful experience. Just recalling this even now, over four years later (1998), it still hurts. God was asking me to give up my partner of six years even though we were still in love. God forced me into a day of reckoning and of choice. I chose God. This was emotionally devastating for me because I was repenting and giving up my beloved companion at the same time. My whole life had revolved around him for six years. Through this experience I claim to know the meaning of this text:
Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me.” Matthew 16:24 NKJV
I was baptized in 1995. I thank the Lord for loving even me, a gay man. For the last four years I have successfully lived a celibate life. I realize I have remained celibate solely because of the grace and power of God. Unfortunately, my core problem remains: I am still attracted to men. But there has been an encouraging decrease in that attraction. I am not as interested in men. I do not look at them as I used to. I have made real progress in overcoming lust. Celibacy is getting easier.
I am only 47, so it is difficult to think about spending the rest of my life on earth alone through no fault of my own. I am a relationship type of person, and being single is the most difficult cross for me to bear. I do know that God loves me and only He is powerful enough to help me deal with what I am still going through. Further, only He can change me, so I have no choice but to turn this problem over to Him. On my own, I am powerless over it. The good news is that all things are possible with God.
I would like to share an insight. In some ways, my life for the first two years after coming to the Lord was like an alcoholic’s, trying to recover from a powerful addiction. I lived from day to day. I was in a battle with myself. Satan attacked me relentlessly. I believe the longer one practices any sin, the more difficult it is to turn away from it. I also believe it is likely for some, if not most, gay men that our sexual orientation may only be changed by some degree.
At this point in my journey I have changed significantly; however not to the point where I feel I could take on a wife. My experience is that after four years it is much easier to resist temptation. I feel almost satisfied with my celibate life. Praise God! This wonderful healing comes from Him!
I would like to issue a warning to anyone considering experimenting with gay sex: Don’t do it! Homosexual sex, like nothing else, creates a powerful, ensnaring web. It is almost impossible to walk away from it. I believe it would be impossible without the help of God. Like no other sin, homosexual behavior traps you. For me, it took a supernatural dream from the Lord to shake me up and make me realize that what I was doing was wrong. On some level, the devil had deceived me. Praise God that He rescues us even when we don’t know we need rescuing!